“Now I’m just scratching the surface cause what’s buried under there
Was a kid torn apart once his pop disappeared
I went to school, got good grades, could behave when I wanted
But I had demons deep inside that would raise when confronted”
There’s nothing in this quote from Jay-Z that doesn’t resonate with me. The word ‘buried’ is apropos because that’s exactly what I did. I ignored it, buried it, did everything I could to avoid confronting it. Today I read these two articles, and they shine a spotlight on exactly what goes on in my psyche.
My dad left when I was 15 and I haven’t seen him since, and I’m realizing that I’ve never really gotten over it. How could one event still so profoundly affect me after 20 years? My male ego says, “Get over it.” – “Suck it up.” – “Stop making excuses.”
The Seven Haters (I refuse to see them as cute Disney characters) chip away at my relationships, family, friends, professional life, you name it, and manifest in me all 5 of the traits described in the second article. I will find a reason to manufacture debilitating anxiety so that I can come up with an excuse to abandon you before you can abandon me.
At the same time as I mourn losses caused by my actions, and feel sad for the pain I’ve caused, I look forward to a future where I’ve overcome these things and have true relationships with friends and lovers. It’s a path with no end, but death, and it will be hard, but that will make it ultimately worth it.